My life is strange. One minute I am content and the next minute my mind is racing onto what I can do to make my life better. Recently, I have been doing a lot, A LOT of thinking about the future. It is no secret that I am kind of tired of my current joblet. I mean, I have been doing it for 7 years!!! Eventually, you want to improve yourself or make your life a little different.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I hate my job. That is so far away from what I actually feel. I lurve my job and I will continue to do it as long as I need to, but the thing is, I am getting bored. I need some excitement and I don’t mean getting locked in the bathroom again ;) .
I have already set in motion some opportunities at my current job and I am talking to the right people to make it happen. It is mostly a waiting game right now. I rarely talk about my future professional plans on here because I do not want people to hold them against me… But, I am struggling with a decision right now.
7 years ago I graduated from IUP with a BS (bull shit? or is it Bachelors of Science?) in Finance and a Minor in Accounting. I have always said that the finance degree helped me with my life; however, the accounting degree is what got me my job to begin with. When I started my professional life, I was very lucky that I had those accounting credits and was eligible to get the job I got so many years ago. Today, I have moved up and to another company, but I am essentially in the same job.
I am seriously thinking about going back to IUPizzle for a few more classes. I am unsure of what to do though. I am going to talk to the one professor that I lurved and I will see what she has to say about all this. I only need 5 (or 4) classes to get a double BS in Finance and Accounting. The thing is, I am not sure whether I would be going back to be a “Graduate Student” because I am already degreed or am I a “Super Undergraduate”? Also, should I go get the Accounting, or should I go to get my MBA? I know an MBA is a big commitment and I wanted to go to PITT to get that if I ever did do it. I think what I am going to do is take 1 class in September and see what happens and how that goes.
I have a theory about college. It is a bunch of BS… See when you are 17 and 18 years old, you have no idea what you want to do with your life! At 27… I am totally different than I was at 17. I have lived a strange life and it has very much changed my outlook on things. If I were in college now, it would be so different. I would totally pay more attention and I would “GET IT”! When I was there, I was just focused on graduating and getting on with my life. Now I am actually interested in what the Professors have to say! With that all being said… I am very glad I went to college right out of high school, but it would be very different now as to what I chose as my major and my career.
So… does anyone know anything about going back to school after you have been graduated for 7 years? I need to look a little more into this.
Last night I 30 Day Shredded and my body is killing me today! YIKES! That means I did it right! J I think I’ll weigh myself on Mondays and report to you if I gained or lost anything. Also inches lost on my belly (which is the only place I measured… hahaha). Hopefully I keep this up.
Did anyone catch 16 and Pregnant last night. It is an MTV show that I am addicted to? Well, the girl was 15 years old and she got kicked out of high school (9th grade I believe) and was being home schooled. Her boyfriend was not around (like 2 hours away), much older, and did not have a job. I like to watch these shows… not sure why… but they really upset me at the same time. This girl I think got a big scare when her baby was born enough to make her really take care of the little baby. The baby had possibly inhaled some poo while in-utero and that can be very dangerous. They life flighted the baby to CHOP and in 11 days that little girl was allowed to go home with her mother. The dad didn’t want anything to do with the baby until the health scare either… and I think that is what made these children grow up and actually try to be good parents. That is sad… but at least they know how precious this little baby is now.
I don’t know how these kids can get pregnant so easily, have cute healthy little babies and can not provide for them… But my husband and I could give a baby the world and we have been stripped of this opportunity so far in our life. Kinda upsets me.
Showing posts with label infant death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infant death. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
A Baby Shower Experiance
This weekend I went to a baby shower for a very good friend of mine. She is expecting a little girl in April after the loss of her first little boy back when Kendall was born. I absolutely knew I wanted to go to the shower. Not only to show Elizabeth how happy I am for her, but to also prove to myself that I am strong enough to move on with my life.
Needless to say it was a very emotional couple hours. I got there and immediately an old teacher I had said “I saw you had a baby a while ago… you look great… what did you have” and I told her about Kendall and how she passed away. It was ok, I get it a lot. I was prepared for that and I am always prepared for that. People don’t know what happened and I get that. I would probably ask myself how old she was and stuff too if I met myself on the street.
Crying crisis adverted. Then, another good friend from high school was at the shower. She lost not one, but two late term babies and finally had a beautiful little girl in December. This little girl is so beautiful, and all the photos I see on Facebook show me she is just PERFECT! Well, Amanda walked in and I was so happy to see she was there. I figured she would be there, but I was not sure. She sat down and I was so excited to see the little angel that I immediately wanted to touch her and play with her. Mandy asked me how I was… and then the tears started to flow.
Holy crap… I hate being emotional and I hate crying in public. I tried so hard to hold back the tears, but I have been having an emotional couple months. EVERYONE knows we are trying to get pregnant again, so of course everyone asks how that is going. Not everyone knows I had a miscarriage last month and we are on hold for a few more months… On hold for a few more months… It seems my life is always “on hold”.
Mandy let me hold Mia and we played until it was time for her to eat. She was the cutest little bean I have ever seen (other than Kendall of course) and it was so fun to hold another little baby girl. A special little baby girl. I miracle in fact. I could feel all this special baby energy flowing from Mia to me and it was every emotional.
When Elizabeth finally got there (and we have been going through some pretty bad stuff together but have not seen each other for quite some time) we had to hug. When we hugged I was so happy for her to be having a healthy little baby girl that again the tears were a flowin. It was such an emotional time and I can not describe it other than the fact that the happiness I had for her was true and genuine and I can imagine how scared she is… and I have a longing to be in the same situation.
I made it through the shower and I didn’t have too much of a hard time, except when I thought about this little fact. When I was pregnant in 2007-2008, I had 33 friends (ladies I personally know and talk to on a somewhat regular basis) who were also pregnant. Of those 33 ladies, 11 of them do not have their babies today. 11 of the babies either were miscarried early on, were stillborn or for Elizabeth and Myself, they were born very sick and passed away at a very early age. Now, those 11 ladies are all mothers of beautiful little babies. I am the only one who is not even pregnant to enjoy this journey. It is kind of hard to think about.
I know that I would have been a mother by now too if I was healthy… and I was definitely not healthy. Now that my heart is all strong and beating at a “normal” rhythm, I know I will be a mother soon. But how long am I supposed to wait to be happy?
Not that I am not happy… I am very happy, I love life and I am so blessed… but why do bad things happen to supposed “good” people? I guess God has “special” people he picks out for these bad things to happen to. They are people who can handle it I guess. I am not sure how much more I can handle tough. I guess as much as God gives me.
In other news, this weekend we got the movie Couples Retreat from my sister… OMG it was terrible. It was long, boring and only funny in a couple spots. I am unsure why I wasted so much time watching it. My husband quit watching it and went to the other room and watched golf. I could have been reading.
Needless to say it was a very emotional couple hours. I got there and immediately an old teacher I had said “I saw you had a baby a while ago… you look great… what did you have” and I told her about Kendall and how she passed away. It was ok, I get it a lot. I was prepared for that and I am always prepared for that. People don’t know what happened and I get that. I would probably ask myself how old she was and stuff too if I met myself on the street.
Crying crisis adverted. Then, another good friend from high school was at the shower. She lost not one, but two late term babies and finally had a beautiful little girl in December. This little girl is so beautiful, and all the photos I see on Facebook show me she is just PERFECT! Well, Amanda walked in and I was so happy to see she was there. I figured she would be there, but I was not sure. She sat down and I was so excited to see the little angel that I immediately wanted to touch her and play with her. Mandy asked me how I was… and then the tears started to flow.
Holy crap… I hate being emotional and I hate crying in public. I tried so hard to hold back the tears, but I have been having an emotional couple months. EVERYONE knows we are trying to get pregnant again, so of course everyone asks how that is going. Not everyone knows I had a miscarriage last month and we are on hold for a few more months… On hold for a few more months… It seems my life is always “on hold”.
Mandy let me hold Mia and we played until it was time for her to eat. She was the cutest little bean I have ever seen (other than Kendall of course) and it was so fun to hold another little baby girl. A special little baby girl. I miracle in fact. I could feel all this special baby energy flowing from Mia to me and it was every emotional.
When Elizabeth finally got there (and we have been going through some pretty bad stuff together but have not seen each other for quite some time) we had to hug. When we hugged I was so happy for her to be having a healthy little baby girl that again the tears were a flowin. It was such an emotional time and I can not describe it other than the fact that the happiness I had for her was true and genuine and I can imagine how scared she is… and I have a longing to be in the same situation.
I made it through the shower and I didn’t have too much of a hard time, except when I thought about this little fact. When I was pregnant in 2007-2008, I had 33 friends (ladies I personally know and talk to on a somewhat regular basis) who were also pregnant. Of those 33 ladies, 11 of them do not have their babies today. 11 of the babies either were miscarried early on, were stillborn or for Elizabeth and Myself, they were born very sick and passed away at a very early age. Now, those 11 ladies are all mothers of beautiful little babies. I am the only one who is not even pregnant to enjoy this journey. It is kind of hard to think about.
I know that I would have been a mother by now too if I was healthy… and I was definitely not healthy. Now that my heart is all strong and beating at a “normal” rhythm, I know I will be a mother soon. But how long am I supposed to wait to be happy?
Not that I am not happy… I am very happy, I love life and I am so blessed… but why do bad things happen to supposed “good” people? I guess God has “special” people he picks out for these bad things to happen to. They are people who can handle it I guess. I am not sure how much more I can handle tough. I guess as much as God gives me.
In other news, this weekend we got the movie Couples Retreat from my sister… OMG it was terrible. It was long, boring and only funny in a couple spots. I am unsure why I wasted so much time watching it. My husband quit watching it and went to the other room and watched golf. I could have been reading.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Hello World
Hellllllooooo there friends! I have been taking a break from blogging for a little while, but I think I am ready to get back into it. I have my original bloglet (which will not go away and will continue to be updated) but my blog at Wordpress was not letting me do what I felt like I wanted to do with it. This one is semi-anonymous, but if you know anything about my story, you know that this is me. I am just not going to be telling the friends and family about this one. My husband and I are tired of “Sympathy” and people saying “I’m so sorry” to us that the past 3 months of our life has kind of been a secret.
I have been typing in word everything that has happened so that I could remember and then… I was going to post it all on my Wordpress site… it turns out that some really bad stuff happened, and I do not really want to share it with all our friends, but I DO need to talk about it. So, without further adieu, here is “The Story of My Life”.
I am a twenty-something lady who lives in small town, western Pennsylvania. I have a wonderful husband whom I have had marital bliss for the past 4 ½ years and I could not have asked for a better man. I have a beautiful little baby girl who is in heaven and has been there for the past 18 months. She was 12 ½ weeks old when she passed away.
It was not a surprise that she was going to pass… She was very sick. I went to great detail on my other blog of her story but for brevity, I am going to say that while I was pregnant with her, I needed a surgery. It was supposed to be a very simple surgery and in the end… it turned out very badly. My daughter was without blood and oxygen for too long and it damaged her brain so much that she was born with essentially a brain stem. Not something that can be fixed. You can not grow a new brain, you can not have a brain transplant and you can not exist with only a brainstem.
After several very hard days at the hospital, we decided to bring our little angel home with us and to treat her like a normal baby girl. He was supposed to live for about 7-10 days according to the “experts”; however, she was a fighter and liked her mommy and daddy and ended up living for 12 ½ weeks. She was a beautiful gift from God and we enjoyed every moment we had with her.
While I was pregnant and because of the surgery I had, I also got very sick. I developed cardiomyopathy (heart failure for those of us who are not doctors) and I needed to get my heart function back. It took some time and some doctor switching… and a lot of research on my part, but in about a year and 3 months I finally found a doctor who would listen to ME about my problems and take MY recommendations about how to fix me. I was on a lot of medicines, always tired and sick a lot. After I found Dr. Electricity as I like to call him, I immediately got my heart function back and was cured. Within 3 months I was off all my medicines and was on the road to have another baby!
This is where the story gets even better. We started to have unprotected sex… yes, that is how you have a baby… and soon enough, I was showing all the signs of pregnancy. I was feeling nauseous, by chesticles were growing at an alarming rate, I was more tired that I had been and I was gaining some weight. So, I bit the bullet and peed on a stick. Well, low and behold, I was pregnant again! I am proud to say my husband has some big time swimmers and they really know how to find that egg. I had to make some appointments and it was about a week until my appointments and I was so excited… and I started to bleed.
I went to my doctor who told me my uterus “felt” pregnant, but he wasn’t sure. I needed a blood test. I had my blood test and he said I was not pregnant anymore. Ok, it was a ricelet as I like to call it and I didn’t feel a huge loss. I would rather that happen than what happened with the last pregnancy. So in the next week I thought I miscarried all that was in there.
The next month (about 35 days later) when I expected my “dot” (do you like that, instead of period, I like to say dot) it never came. I told my husband “maybe I didn’t miscarry” and so I peed on another stick. Needless to say we go through a lot of sticks at our house lately. The test said pregnant! Hmmm…. What was that that happened last month? So I called the Doctor again, who by this time probably thought I was pretty obsessed, and told him what was happening. He sent me for more bloodwork and low and behold, I was pregnant. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday (and this was Friday) and so I just said I would get an ultrasound then.
Saturday evening I began to bleed again. WTF is happening!?! Am I pregnant or not? So I went to the ultrasound and I have done enough reading and research that I know what a baby should look like on a sonogram. I saw the sac that should have had a baby inside it. The sac was empty though. There was no baby and the sac was malformed. It turns out that my body thought I was still pregnant from the miscarriage the month before and did not expel the placenta. I know… that is so weird!!! So after bleeding for about 11 days, I think that all the pregnancy particles are out of my body and in a couple months I am free to start again!
On top of all of this fun, my husband and I decided we want to build a new home. Our home is wonderful and I love it and I love living close to my parents, but we need a fresh start. Somewhere without all the bad memories that keep haunting me… like every single day.
And if that were not enough, I am trying to get myself promoted at my job in order to have a better schedule, a better pay and a better job.
This blog is going to document The Life Changes I am making right now and hopefully you want to come along for the ride!
A couple housekeeping things… please do not judge my spelling or grammar. I am not an English major, I was a business and math major and I lurve to make up words… so sorry. I really like to get comments and if you have a question about anything, I will probably answer it for you. I am not shy and it takes a lot to offend me. I am keeping this separate from my other bloglet though because I need a place to discuss these things without our friends saying “T, I am so sorry about all of your life.” That is not what I need, nor what I want from this. I hope if you are reading this, I can help you someway. And lastly, my husband does not read my blog nor does he want to hear about it, so don’t mention it to him. He just gets in a bitchy mood. I guess that about covers everything. I will be back sometime soon to keep you updated on life, love and the pursuit of happiness!
I have been typing in word everything that has happened so that I could remember and then… I was going to post it all on my Wordpress site… it turns out that some really bad stuff happened, and I do not really want to share it with all our friends, but I DO need to talk about it. So, without further adieu, here is “The Story of My Life”.
I am a twenty-something lady who lives in small town, western Pennsylvania. I have a wonderful husband whom I have had marital bliss for the past 4 ½ years and I could not have asked for a better man. I have a beautiful little baby girl who is in heaven and has been there for the past 18 months. She was 12 ½ weeks old when she passed away.
It was not a surprise that she was going to pass… She was very sick. I went to great detail on my other blog of her story but for brevity, I am going to say that while I was pregnant with her, I needed a surgery. It was supposed to be a very simple surgery and in the end… it turned out very badly. My daughter was without blood and oxygen for too long and it damaged her brain so much that she was born with essentially a brain stem. Not something that can be fixed. You can not grow a new brain, you can not have a brain transplant and you can not exist with only a brainstem.
After several very hard days at the hospital, we decided to bring our little angel home with us and to treat her like a normal baby girl. He was supposed to live for about 7-10 days according to the “experts”; however, she was a fighter and liked her mommy and daddy and ended up living for 12 ½ weeks. She was a beautiful gift from God and we enjoyed every moment we had with her.
While I was pregnant and because of the surgery I had, I also got very sick. I developed cardiomyopathy (heart failure for those of us who are not doctors) and I needed to get my heart function back. It took some time and some doctor switching… and a lot of research on my part, but in about a year and 3 months I finally found a doctor who would listen to ME about my problems and take MY recommendations about how to fix me. I was on a lot of medicines, always tired and sick a lot. After I found Dr. Electricity as I like to call him, I immediately got my heart function back and was cured. Within 3 months I was off all my medicines and was on the road to have another baby!
This is where the story gets even better. We started to have unprotected sex… yes, that is how you have a baby… and soon enough, I was showing all the signs of pregnancy. I was feeling nauseous, by chesticles were growing at an alarming rate, I was more tired that I had been and I was gaining some weight. So, I bit the bullet and peed on a stick. Well, low and behold, I was pregnant again! I am proud to say my husband has some big time swimmers and they really know how to find that egg. I had to make some appointments and it was about a week until my appointments and I was so excited… and I started to bleed.
I went to my doctor who told me my uterus “felt” pregnant, but he wasn’t sure. I needed a blood test. I had my blood test and he said I was not pregnant anymore. Ok, it was a ricelet as I like to call it and I didn’t feel a huge loss. I would rather that happen than what happened with the last pregnancy. So in the next week I thought I miscarried all that was in there.
The next month (about 35 days later) when I expected my “dot” (do you like that, instead of period, I like to say dot) it never came. I told my husband “maybe I didn’t miscarry” and so I peed on another stick. Needless to say we go through a lot of sticks at our house lately. The test said pregnant! Hmmm…. What was that that happened last month? So I called the Doctor again, who by this time probably thought I was pretty obsessed, and told him what was happening. He sent me for more bloodwork and low and behold, I was pregnant. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday (and this was Friday) and so I just said I would get an ultrasound then.
Saturday evening I began to bleed again. WTF is happening!?! Am I pregnant or not? So I went to the ultrasound and I have done enough reading and research that I know what a baby should look like on a sonogram. I saw the sac that should have had a baby inside it. The sac was empty though. There was no baby and the sac was malformed. It turns out that my body thought I was still pregnant from the miscarriage the month before and did not expel the placenta. I know… that is so weird!!! So after bleeding for about 11 days, I think that all the pregnancy particles are out of my body and in a couple months I am free to start again!
On top of all of this fun, my husband and I decided we want to build a new home. Our home is wonderful and I love it and I love living close to my parents, but we need a fresh start. Somewhere without all the bad memories that keep haunting me… like every single day.
And if that were not enough, I am trying to get myself promoted at my job in order to have a better schedule, a better pay and a better job.
This blog is going to document The Life Changes I am making right now and hopefully you want to come along for the ride!
A couple housekeeping things… please do not judge my spelling or grammar. I am not an English major, I was a business and math major and I lurve to make up words… so sorry. I really like to get comments and if you have a question about anything, I will probably answer it for you. I am not shy and it takes a lot to offend me. I am keeping this separate from my other bloglet though because I need a place to discuss these things without our friends saying “T, I am so sorry about all of your life.” That is not what I need, nor what I want from this. I hope if you are reading this, I can help you someway. And lastly, my husband does not read my blog nor does he want to hear about it, so don’t mention it to him. He just gets in a bitchy mood. I guess that about covers everything. I will be back sometime soon to keep you updated on life, love and the pursuit of happiness!
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