OK… I hope I am climbing out of my dark dreary place and back into my sunshine filled life. The past couple days have been very emotional for me and I have not been able to handle them. I have cried pretty much all day for the past 2 days and I will not, I repeat WILL NOT cry today! Um… I already broke that, but going forward, I will not cry today.
I am dealing with a lot of emotions and some days are better than others for me. As you know, my daughter passed away on October 3, 2008 and that is 17 months ago! I would have thought as time went on, things would get easier, but they really have not. I have just refocused my energies.
For so long I was totally focused on coming out of Cardiomyopathy that I didn’t really think about a lot of other stuff. I thought about Kendall and how I missed her, but it was not a constant thought on my brain. The constant thought was “How am I going to make myself better?” and “How am I going to get a stronger heart?” and “What do I have to do to be allowed to have another child?” You know, things like that. I was so focused… and after I recovered, I was so focused on getting off my medicines… I was getting off my medicines so that I could have another baby. All I have wanted in my life is to be a mother. It is so difficult to have all these plans and have them ripped away from you. So, we tried and so quickly I became pregnant. YAY! Something good to focus on! A new baby that is growing inside me… Until I miscarried.
You know, that was pretty terrible, but I kept it all in because I did not want the pity or sympathy or any other feelings of “I don’t know what to say to them” when I see my friends. So, we didn’t tell a lot of people and just dealt with this horrible setback privately.
Now that I am 1 month out from the miscarriage, I have all this anxiety and stress about next time. I do not want to have another miscarriage when we actually do try to have another baby (which will not be until June) and I just want to relax… But I can not. I obviously can not control my life and need to just chill, but I really need something that I can control. When June does roll around, I need to be STRESS FREE and relaxed… I also need to not obsess on what has happened to me. I am obsessed with it all though.
After much discussion, and looking and researching, my husband and I have decided we are going to build a new home. I am really, really excited about this business and I am looking forward to looking forward to something. I know at the end of the journey… We will have a NEW home. We will have the home that I want we want and will hopefully be building NEW memories in that home.
We have not put our home up for sale yet, but in the next couple months we will be cleaning it out (you know, cleaning out our closets), having a few garage sales and hopefully moving on. In the interim, once our home sells, we will be living in an apartment – which I am surprisingly very excited about! – while our new home is being built.
I will be taking you all along for this ride with me as our life dramatically changes – and I really think that is what we are in need of. CHANGE!
I really miss my old self.
Showing posts with label trying to conceive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trying to conceive. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I Can Not Control Everything
I am having a very, very, VERY hard time lately. Ever since my miscarriage that partially happened in January and then finished up in February, I have been feeling extra sad. I know that most of the time, when you talk to me, I do not seem that bad, but really and truly, I am not doing well. I cry almost every single day. I just do not understand how this is my life. I hate having my life on hold and wondering what bad is going to happen next.
Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.
I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.
I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.
We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.
I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!
I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.
Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.
I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.
I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.
We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.
I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!
I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Decisions, Decisions
My life is strange. One minute I am content and the next minute my mind is racing onto what I can do to make my life better. Recently, I have been doing a lot, A LOT of thinking about the future. It is no secret that I am kind of tired of my current joblet. I mean, I have been doing it for 7 years!!! Eventually, you want to improve yourself or make your life a little different.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I hate my job. That is so far away from what I actually feel. I lurve my job and I will continue to do it as long as I need to, but the thing is, I am getting bored. I need some excitement and I don’t mean getting locked in the bathroom again ;) .
I have already set in motion some opportunities at my current job and I am talking to the right people to make it happen. It is mostly a waiting game right now. I rarely talk about my future professional plans on here because I do not want people to hold them against me… But, I am struggling with a decision right now.
7 years ago I graduated from IUP with a BS (bull shit? or is it Bachelors of Science?) in Finance and a Minor in Accounting. I have always said that the finance degree helped me with my life; however, the accounting degree is what got me my job to begin with. When I started my professional life, I was very lucky that I had those accounting credits and was eligible to get the job I got so many years ago. Today, I have moved up and to another company, but I am essentially in the same job.
I am seriously thinking about going back to IUPizzle for a few more classes. I am unsure of what to do though. I am going to talk to the one professor that I lurved and I will see what she has to say about all this. I only need 5 (or 4) classes to get a double BS in Finance and Accounting. The thing is, I am not sure whether I would be going back to be a “Graduate Student” because I am already degreed or am I a “Super Undergraduate”? Also, should I go get the Accounting, or should I go to get my MBA? I know an MBA is a big commitment and I wanted to go to PITT to get that if I ever did do it. I think what I am going to do is take 1 class in September and see what happens and how that goes.
I have a theory about college. It is a bunch of BS… See when you are 17 and 18 years old, you have no idea what you want to do with your life! At 27… I am totally different than I was at 17. I have lived a strange life and it has very much changed my outlook on things. If I were in college now, it would be so different. I would totally pay more attention and I would “GET IT”! When I was there, I was just focused on graduating and getting on with my life. Now I am actually interested in what the Professors have to say! With that all being said… I am very glad I went to college right out of high school, but it would be very different now as to what I chose as my major and my career.
So… does anyone know anything about going back to school after you have been graduated for 7 years? I need to look a little more into this.
Last night I 30 Day Shredded and my body is killing me today! YIKES! That means I did it right! J I think I’ll weigh myself on Mondays and report to you if I gained or lost anything. Also inches lost on my belly (which is the only place I measured… hahaha). Hopefully I keep this up.
Did anyone catch 16 and Pregnant last night. It is an MTV show that I am addicted to? Well, the girl was 15 years old and she got kicked out of high school (9th grade I believe) and was being home schooled. Her boyfriend was not around (like 2 hours away), much older, and did not have a job. I like to watch these shows… not sure why… but they really upset me at the same time. This girl I think got a big scare when her baby was born enough to make her really take care of the little baby. The baby had possibly inhaled some poo while in-utero and that can be very dangerous. They life flighted the baby to CHOP and in 11 days that little girl was allowed to go home with her mother. The dad didn’t want anything to do with the baby until the health scare either… and I think that is what made these children grow up and actually try to be good parents. That is sad… but at least they know how precious this little baby is now.
I don’t know how these kids can get pregnant so easily, have cute healthy little babies and can not provide for them… But my husband and I could give a baby the world and we have been stripped of this opportunity so far in our life. Kinda upsets me.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I hate my job. That is so far away from what I actually feel. I lurve my job and I will continue to do it as long as I need to, but the thing is, I am getting bored. I need some excitement and I don’t mean getting locked in the bathroom again ;) .
I have already set in motion some opportunities at my current job and I am talking to the right people to make it happen. It is mostly a waiting game right now. I rarely talk about my future professional plans on here because I do not want people to hold them against me… But, I am struggling with a decision right now.
7 years ago I graduated from IUP with a BS (bull shit? or is it Bachelors of Science?) in Finance and a Minor in Accounting. I have always said that the finance degree helped me with my life; however, the accounting degree is what got me my job to begin with. When I started my professional life, I was very lucky that I had those accounting credits and was eligible to get the job I got so many years ago. Today, I have moved up and to another company, but I am essentially in the same job.
I am seriously thinking about going back to IUPizzle for a few more classes. I am unsure of what to do though. I am going to talk to the one professor that I lurved and I will see what she has to say about all this. I only need 5 (or 4) classes to get a double BS in Finance and Accounting. The thing is, I am not sure whether I would be going back to be a “Graduate Student” because I am already degreed or am I a “Super Undergraduate”? Also, should I go get the Accounting, or should I go to get my MBA? I know an MBA is a big commitment and I wanted to go to PITT to get that if I ever did do it. I think what I am going to do is take 1 class in September and see what happens and how that goes.
I have a theory about college. It is a bunch of BS… See when you are 17 and 18 years old, you have no idea what you want to do with your life! At 27… I am totally different than I was at 17. I have lived a strange life and it has very much changed my outlook on things. If I were in college now, it would be so different. I would totally pay more attention and I would “GET IT”! When I was there, I was just focused on graduating and getting on with my life. Now I am actually interested in what the Professors have to say! With that all being said… I am very glad I went to college right out of high school, but it would be very different now as to what I chose as my major and my career.
So… does anyone know anything about going back to school after you have been graduated for 7 years? I need to look a little more into this.
Last night I 30 Day Shredded and my body is killing me today! YIKES! That means I did it right! J I think I’ll weigh myself on Mondays and report to you if I gained or lost anything. Also inches lost on my belly (which is the only place I measured… hahaha). Hopefully I keep this up.
Did anyone catch 16 and Pregnant last night. It is an MTV show that I am addicted to? Well, the girl was 15 years old and she got kicked out of high school (9th grade I believe) and was being home schooled. Her boyfriend was not around (like 2 hours away), much older, and did not have a job. I like to watch these shows… not sure why… but they really upset me at the same time. This girl I think got a big scare when her baby was born enough to make her really take care of the little baby. The baby had possibly inhaled some poo while in-utero and that can be very dangerous. They life flighted the baby to CHOP and in 11 days that little girl was allowed to go home with her mother. The dad didn’t want anything to do with the baby until the health scare either… and I think that is what made these children grow up and actually try to be good parents. That is sad… but at least they know how precious this little baby is now.
I don’t know how these kids can get pregnant so easily, have cute healthy little babies and can not provide for them… But my husband and I could give a baby the world and we have been stripped of this opportunity so far in our life. Kinda upsets me.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I AM GONNA DO IT!!!
If I have said this once, I have said this 100 times… I AM GOING TO DROP SEVERAL POUNDS IN THE NEXT SEVERAL MONTHS!!!
How am I going to accomplish this? Well, let me tell you (and hopefully this time it works!) I have started to write down EVERYTHING that I eat. I did it while I was in Cleveland last week, but got away from it for the weekend. I started up again yesterday and then I showed my husband my list. He said “WOAH!!! You eat a lot!” But then after further investigation, he noticed every time I had water, I took up a line on the sheet of paper. I am going to really look at what I eat and try to make good decisions. If my man is holding me accountable, then maybe this will work!
Also, I am going to really, really try to work out most nights. Last night I did 2.25 miles on the treader and then stretched for a while as well as some other floor exercises. I spent about 45 minutes workin it last night and tonight I think I will do my Shredder level 1.
Lastly I am going to make an effort to eat breakfast EVERY day! I have a difficult time eating before 10am, so I am really going to try to eat something every single morning before I come to work. Today I ate a small bowl of oatmeal. Yesterday was the official start and I will let you know how I am doing sporadically.
Here is the thing. I need to drop a duce (20 lbs) before I gain a duce when I am pregnant again. I know there is about 3 months before we are allowed to try to get pregnant again, so I have some time to drop the weight. I also have Traci’s wedding to drop this weight for. Traci is super skinny and Teri is super skinny, so I will be between them and need to be closer to their weight. Hahaha. I know that is not a good reason, but it is some motivation.
Last night I read Sweet Little Lies by my girl Lauren Conrad. It was a good teeny bopper book that I thoroughly enjoyed reading. It was very much like the Hills on MTV and I was happy that I could spend some mindless time reading this little gem. Laurens first book, LA Candy, was a treat as well and I can not wait for the next one to come out. As we all know, I am obsessed with LC. Hahaha. I even have the Lauren Conrad braid today in honor of the book. Sometimes it is nice to just read something mindless rather than thinking about my real life or even reading books like Dear John (which I bawled my eyes out the entire time).
I also heard that Chad OchoCinco will be on the new season of Dancing With the Stars… I will probably watch this season. I have not watched for several seasons because I didn’t like anyone… But this is an allstar cast! Kate (from John & Kate + 8), Evan Lysacek (Olympic gold Medalist), Pamela Anderson, Buzz Aldrin (80-year-old astronaut), Shannen Doherty, Aidan Turner (from some soap opera), Nicole Scherzinger (lead pussycat doll), Jake (on the wings of love bachelor), Erin Andrews and Niecy Nash… I think I want Chad to win… he is a trip! There is only one problem… MY FAVORITE GOSSIP GIRL is on the same time. Thank GOD for DVR!
How am I going to accomplish this? Well, let me tell you (and hopefully this time it works!) I have started to write down EVERYTHING that I eat. I did it while I was in Cleveland last week, but got away from it for the weekend. I started up again yesterday and then I showed my husband my list. He said “WOAH!!! You eat a lot!” But then after further investigation, he noticed every time I had water, I took up a line on the sheet of paper. I am going to really look at what I eat and try to make good decisions. If my man is holding me accountable, then maybe this will work!
Also, I am going to really, really try to work out most nights. Last night I did 2.25 miles on the treader and then stretched for a while as well as some other floor exercises. I spent about 45 minutes workin it last night and tonight I think I will do my Shredder level 1.
Lastly I am going to make an effort to eat breakfast EVERY day! I have a difficult time eating before 10am, so I am really going to try to eat something every single morning before I come to work. Today I ate a small bowl of oatmeal. Yesterday was the official start and I will let you know how I am doing sporadically.
Here is the thing. I need to drop a duce (20 lbs) before I gain a duce when I am pregnant again. I know there is about 3 months before we are allowed to try to get pregnant again, so I have some time to drop the weight. I also have Traci’s wedding to drop this weight for. Traci is super skinny and Teri is super skinny, so I will be between them and need to be closer to their weight. Hahaha. I know that is not a good reason, but it is some motivation.
Last night I read Sweet Little Lies by my girl Lauren Conrad. It was a good teeny bopper book that I thoroughly enjoyed reading. It was very much like the Hills on MTV and I was happy that I could spend some mindless time reading this little gem. Laurens first book, LA Candy, was a treat as well and I can not wait for the next one to come out. As we all know, I am obsessed with LC. Hahaha. I even have the Lauren Conrad braid today in honor of the book. Sometimes it is nice to just read something mindless rather than thinking about my real life or even reading books like Dear John (which I bawled my eyes out the entire time).
I also heard that Chad OchoCinco will be on the new season of Dancing With the Stars… I will probably watch this season. I have not watched for several seasons because I didn’t like anyone… But this is an allstar cast! Kate (from John & Kate + 8), Evan Lysacek (Olympic gold Medalist), Pamela Anderson, Buzz Aldrin (80-year-old astronaut), Shannen Doherty, Aidan Turner (from some soap opera), Nicole Scherzinger (lead pussycat doll), Jake (on the wings of love bachelor), Erin Andrews and Niecy Nash… I think I want Chad to win… he is a trip! There is only one problem… MY FAVORITE GOSSIP GIRL is on the same time. Thank GOD for DVR!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Hello World
Hellllllooooo there friends! I have been taking a break from blogging for a little while, but I think I am ready to get back into it. I have my original bloglet (which will not go away and will continue to be updated) but my blog at Wordpress was not letting me do what I felt like I wanted to do with it. This one is semi-anonymous, but if you know anything about my story, you know that this is me. I am just not going to be telling the friends and family about this one. My husband and I are tired of “Sympathy” and people saying “I’m so sorry” to us that the past 3 months of our life has kind of been a secret.
I have been typing in word everything that has happened so that I could remember and then… I was going to post it all on my Wordpress site… it turns out that some really bad stuff happened, and I do not really want to share it with all our friends, but I DO need to talk about it. So, without further adieu, here is “The Story of My Life”.
I am a twenty-something lady who lives in small town, western Pennsylvania. I have a wonderful husband whom I have had marital bliss for the past 4 ½ years and I could not have asked for a better man. I have a beautiful little baby girl who is in heaven and has been there for the past 18 months. She was 12 ½ weeks old when she passed away.
It was not a surprise that she was going to pass… She was very sick. I went to great detail on my other blog of her story but for brevity, I am going to say that while I was pregnant with her, I needed a surgery. It was supposed to be a very simple surgery and in the end… it turned out very badly. My daughter was without blood and oxygen for too long and it damaged her brain so much that she was born with essentially a brain stem. Not something that can be fixed. You can not grow a new brain, you can not have a brain transplant and you can not exist with only a brainstem.
After several very hard days at the hospital, we decided to bring our little angel home with us and to treat her like a normal baby girl. He was supposed to live for about 7-10 days according to the “experts”; however, she was a fighter and liked her mommy and daddy and ended up living for 12 ½ weeks. She was a beautiful gift from God and we enjoyed every moment we had with her.
While I was pregnant and because of the surgery I had, I also got very sick. I developed cardiomyopathy (heart failure for those of us who are not doctors) and I needed to get my heart function back. It took some time and some doctor switching… and a lot of research on my part, but in about a year and 3 months I finally found a doctor who would listen to ME about my problems and take MY recommendations about how to fix me. I was on a lot of medicines, always tired and sick a lot. After I found Dr. Electricity as I like to call him, I immediately got my heart function back and was cured. Within 3 months I was off all my medicines and was on the road to have another baby!
This is where the story gets even better. We started to have unprotected sex… yes, that is how you have a baby… and soon enough, I was showing all the signs of pregnancy. I was feeling nauseous, by chesticles were growing at an alarming rate, I was more tired that I had been and I was gaining some weight. So, I bit the bullet and peed on a stick. Well, low and behold, I was pregnant again! I am proud to say my husband has some big time swimmers and they really know how to find that egg. I had to make some appointments and it was about a week until my appointments and I was so excited… and I started to bleed.
I went to my doctor who told me my uterus “felt” pregnant, but he wasn’t sure. I needed a blood test. I had my blood test and he said I was not pregnant anymore. Ok, it was a ricelet as I like to call it and I didn’t feel a huge loss. I would rather that happen than what happened with the last pregnancy. So in the next week I thought I miscarried all that was in there.
The next month (about 35 days later) when I expected my “dot” (do you like that, instead of period, I like to say dot) it never came. I told my husband “maybe I didn’t miscarry” and so I peed on another stick. Needless to say we go through a lot of sticks at our house lately. The test said pregnant! Hmmm…. What was that that happened last month? So I called the Doctor again, who by this time probably thought I was pretty obsessed, and told him what was happening. He sent me for more bloodwork and low and behold, I was pregnant. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday (and this was Friday) and so I just said I would get an ultrasound then.
Saturday evening I began to bleed again. WTF is happening!?! Am I pregnant or not? So I went to the ultrasound and I have done enough reading and research that I know what a baby should look like on a sonogram. I saw the sac that should have had a baby inside it. The sac was empty though. There was no baby and the sac was malformed. It turns out that my body thought I was still pregnant from the miscarriage the month before and did not expel the placenta. I know… that is so weird!!! So after bleeding for about 11 days, I think that all the pregnancy particles are out of my body and in a couple months I am free to start again!
On top of all of this fun, my husband and I decided we want to build a new home. Our home is wonderful and I love it and I love living close to my parents, but we need a fresh start. Somewhere without all the bad memories that keep haunting me… like every single day.
And if that were not enough, I am trying to get myself promoted at my job in order to have a better schedule, a better pay and a better job.
This blog is going to document The Life Changes I am making right now and hopefully you want to come along for the ride!
A couple housekeeping things… please do not judge my spelling or grammar. I am not an English major, I was a business and math major and I lurve to make up words… so sorry. I really like to get comments and if you have a question about anything, I will probably answer it for you. I am not shy and it takes a lot to offend me. I am keeping this separate from my other bloglet though because I need a place to discuss these things without our friends saying “T, I am so sorry about all of your life.” That is not what I need, nor what I want from this. I hope if you are reading this, I can help you someway. And lastly, my husband does not read my blog nor does he want to hear about it, so don’t mention it to him. He just gets in a bitchy mood. I guess that about covers everything. I will be back sometime soon to keep you updated on life, love and the pursuit of happiness!
I have been typing in word everything that has happened so that I could remember and then… I was going to post it all on my Wordpress site… it turns out that some really bad stuff happened, and I do not really want to share it with all our friends, but I DO need to talk about it. So, without further adieu, here is “The Story of My Life”.
I am a twenty-something lady who lives in small town, western Pennsylvania. I have a wonderful husband whom I have had marital bliss for the past 4 ½ years and I could not have asked for a better man. I have a beautiful little baby girl who is in heaven and has been there for the past 18 months. She was 12 ½ weeks old when she passed away.
It was not a surprise that she was going to pass… She was very sick. I went to great detail on my other blog of her story but for brevity, I am going to say that while I was pregnant with her, I needed a surgery. It was supposed to be a very simple surgery and in the end… it turned out very badly. My daughter was without blood and oxygen for too long and it damaged her brain so much that she was born with essentially a brain stem. Not something that can be fixed. You can not grow a new brain, you can not have a brain transplant and you can not exist with only a brainstem.
After several very hard days at the hospital, we decided to bring our little angel home with us and to treat her like a normal baby girl. He was supposed to live for about 7-10 days according to the “experts”; however, she was a fighter and liked her mommy and daddy and ended up living for 12 ½ weeks. She was a beautiful gift from God and we enjoyed every moment we had with her.
While I was pregnant and because of the surgery I had, I also got very sick. I developed cardiomyopathy (heart failure for those of us who are not doctors) and I needed to get my heart function back. It took some time and some doctor switching… and a lot of research on my part, but in about a year and 3 months I finally found a doctor who would listen to ME about my problems and take MY recommendations about how to fix me. I was on a lot of medicines, always tired and sick a lot. After I found Dr. Electricity as I like to call him, I immediately got my heart function back and was cured. Within 3 months I was off all my medicines and was on the road to have another baby!
This is where the story gets even better. We started to have unprotected sex… yes, that is how you have a baby… and soon enough, I was showing all the signs of pregnancy. I was feeling nauseous, by chesticles were growing at an alarming rate, I was more tired that I had been and I was gaining some weight. So, I bit the bullet and peed on a stick. Well, low and behold, I was pregnant again! I am proud to say my husband has some big time swimmers and they really know how to find that egg. I had to make some appointments and it was about a week until my appointments and I was so excited… and I started to bleed.
I went to my doctor who told me my uterus “felt” pregnant, but he wasn’t sure. I needed a blood test. I had my blood test and he said I was not pregnant anymore. Ok, it was a ricelet as I like to call it and I didn’t feel a huge loss. I would rather that happen than what happened with the last pregnancy. So in the next week I thought I miscarried all that was in there.
The next month (about 35 days later) when I expected my “dot” (do you like that, instead of period, I like to say dot) it never came. I told my husband “maybe I didn’t miscarry” and so I peed on another stick. Needless to say we go through a lot of sticks at our house lately. The test said pregnant! Hmmm…. What was that that happened last month? So I called the Doctor again, who by this time probably thought I was pretty obsessed, and told him what was happening. He sent me for more bloodwork and low and behold, I was pregnant. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday (and this was Friday) and so I just said I would get an ultrasound then.
Saturday evening I began to bleed again. WTF is happening!?! Am I pregnant or not? So I went to the ultrasound and I have done enough reading and research that I know what a baby should look like on a sonogram. I saw the sac that should have had a baby inside it. The sac was empty though. There was no baby and the sac was malformed. It turns out that my body thought I was still pregnant from the miscarriage the month before and did not expel the placenta. I know… that is so weird!!! So after bleeding for about 11 days, I think that all the pregnancy particles are out of my body and in a couple months I am free to start again!
On top of all of this fun, my husband and I decided we want to build a new home. Our home is wonderful and I love it and I love living close to my parents, but we need a fresh start. Somewhere without all the bad memories that keep haunting me… like every single day.
And if that were not enough, I am trying to get myself promoted at my job in order to have a better schedule, a better pay and a better job.
This blog is going to document The Life Changes I am making right now and hopefully you want to come along for the ride!
A couple housekeeping things… please do not judge my spelling or grammar. I am not an English major, I was a business and math major and I lurve to make up words… so sorry. I really like to get comments and if you have a question about anything, I will probably answer it for you. I am not shy and it takes a lot to offend me. I am keeping this separate from my other bloglet though because I need a place to discuss these things without our friends saying “T, I am so sorry about all of your life.” That is not what I need, nor what I want from this. I hope if you are reading this, I can help you someway. And lastly, my husband does not read my blog nor does he want to hear about it, so don’t mention it to him. He just gets in a bitchy mood. I guess that about covers everything. I will be back sometime soon to keep you updated on life, love and the pursuit of happiness!
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