OK… I hope I am climbing out of my dark dreary place and back into my sunshine filled life. The past couple days have been very emotional for me and I have not been able to handle them. I have cried pretty much all day for the past 2 days and I will not, I repeat WILL NOT cry today! Um… I already broke that, but going forward, I will not cry today.
I am dealing with a lot of emotions and some days are better than others for me. As you know, my daughter passed away on October 3, 2008 and that is 17 months ago! I would have thought as time went on, things would get easier, but they really have not. I have just refocused my energies.
For so long I was totally focused on coming out of Cardiomyopathy that I didn’t really think about a lot of other stuff. I thought about Kendall and how I missed her, but it was not a constant thought on my brain. The constant thought was “How am I going to make myself better?” and “How am I going to get a stronger heart?” and “What do I have to do to be allowed to have another child?” You know, things like that. I was so focused… and after I recovered, I was so focused on getting off my medicines… I was getting off my medicines so that I could have another baby. All I have wanted in my life is to be a mother. It is so difficult to have all these plans and have them ripped away from you. So, we tried and so quickly I became pregnant. YAY! Something good to focus on! A new baby that is growing inside me… Until I miscarried.
You know, that was pretty terrible, but I kept it all in because I did not want the pity or sympathy or any other feelings of “I don’t know what to say to them” when I see my friends. So, we didn’t tell a lot of people and just dealt with this horrible setback privately.
Now that I am 1 month out from the miscarriage, I have all this anxiety and stress about next time. I do not want to have another miscarriage when we actually do try to have another baby (which will not be until June) and I just want to relax… But I can not. I obviously can not control my life and need to just chill, but I really need something that I can control. When June does roll around, I need to be STRESS FREE and relaxed… I also need to not obsess on what has happened to me. I am obsessed with it all though.
After much discussion, and looking and researching, my husband and I have decided we are going to build a new home. I am really, really excited about this business and I am looking forward to looking forward to something. I know at the end of the journey… We will have a NEW home. We will have the home that I want we want and will hopefully be building NEW memories in that home.
We have not put our home up for sale yet, but in the next couple months we will be cleaning it out (you know, cleaning out our closets), having a few garage sales and hopefully moving on. In the interim, once our home sells, we will be living in an apartment – which I am surprisingly very excited about! – while our new home is being built.
I will be taking you all along for this ride with me as our life dramatically changes – and I really think that is what we are in need of. CHANGE!
I really miss my old self.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I Can Not Control Everything
I am having a very, very, VERY hard time lately. Ever since my miscarriage that partially happened in January and then finished up in February, I have been feeling extra sad. I know that most of the time, when you talk to me, I do not seem that bad, but really and truly, I am not doing well. I cry almost every single day. I just do not understand how this is my life. I hate having my life on hold and wondering what bad is going to happen next.
Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.
I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.
I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.
We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.
I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!
I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.
Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.
I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.
I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.
We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.
I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!
I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Hello World
Hellllllooooo there friends! I have been taking a break from blogging for a little while, but I think I am ready to get back into it. I have my original bloglet (which will not go away and will continue to be updated) but my blog at Wordpress was not letting me do what I felt like I wanted to do with it. This one is semi-anonymous, but if you know anything about my story, you know that this is me. I am just not going to be telling the friends and family about this one. My husband and I are tired of “Sympathy” and people saying “I’m so sorry” to us that the past 3 months of our life has kind of been a secret.
I have been typing in word everything that has happened so that I could remember and then… I was going to post it all on my Wordpress site… it turns out that some really bad stuff happened, and I do not really want to share it with all our friends, but I DO need to talk about it. So, without further adieu, here is “The Story of My Life”.
I am a twenty-something lady who lives in small town, western Pennsylvania. I have a wonderful husband whom I have had marital bliss for the past 4 ½ years and I could not have asked for a better man. I have a beautiful little baby girl who is in heaven and has been there for the past 18 months. She was 12 ½ weeks old when she passed away.
It was not a surprise that she was going to pass… She was very sick. I went to great detail on my other blog of her story but for brevity, I am going to say that while I was pregnant with her, I needed a surgery. It was supposed to be a very simple surgery and in the end… it turned out very badly. My daughter was without blood and oxygen for too long and it damaged her brain so much that she was born with essentially a brain stem. Not something that can be fixed. You can not grow a new brain, you can not have a brain transplant and you can not exist with only a brainstem.
After several very hard days at the hospital, we decided to bring our little angel home with us and to treat her like a normal baby girl. He was supposed to live for about 7-10 days according to the “experts”; however, she was a fighter and liked her mommy and daddy and ended up living for 12 ½ weeks. She was a beautiful gift from God and we enjoyed every moment we had with her.
While I was pregnant and because of the surgery I had, I also got very sick. I developed cardiomyopathy (heart failure for those of us who are not doctors) and I needed to get my heart function back. It took some time and some doctor switching… and a lot of research on my part, but in about a year and 3 months I finally found a doctor who would listen to ME about my problems and take MY recommendations about how to fix me. I was on a lot of medicines, always tired and sick a lot. After I found Dr. Electricity as I like to call him, I immediately got my heart function back and was cured. Within 3 months I was off all my medicines and was on the road to have another baby!
This is where the story gets even better. We started to have unprotected sex… yes, that is how you have a baby… and soon enough, I was showing all the signs of pregnancy. I was feeling nauseous, by chesticles were growing at an alarming rate, I was more tired that I had been and I was gaining some weight. So, I bit the bullet and peed on a stick. Well, low and behold, I was pregnant again! I am proud to say my husband has some big time swimmers and they really know how to find that egg. I had to make some appointments and it was about a week until my appointments and I was so excited… and I started to bleed.
I went to my doctor who told me my uterus “felt” pregnant, but he wasn’t sure. I needed a blood test. I had my blood test and he said I was not pregnant anymore. Ok, it was a ricelet as I like to call it and I didn’t feel a huge loss. I would rather that happen than what happened with the last pregnancy. So in the next week I thought I miscarried all that was in there.
The next month (about 35 days later) when I expected my “dot” (do you like that, instead of period, I like to say dot) it never came. I told my husband “maybe I didn’t miscarry” and so I peed on another stick. Needless to say we go through a lot of sticks at our house lately. The test said pregnant! Hmmm…. What was that that happened last month? So I called the Doctor again, who by this time probably thought I was pretty obsessed, and told him what was happening. He sent me for more bloodwork and low and behold, I was pregnant. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday (and this was Friday) and so I just said I would get an ultrasound then.
Saturday evening I began to bleed again. WTF is happening!?! Am I pregnant or not? So I went to the ultrasound and I have done enough reading and research that I know what a baby should look like on a sonogram. I saw the sac that should have had a baby inside it. The sac was empty though. There was no baby and the sac was malformed. It turns out that my body thought I was still pregnant from the miscarriage the month before and did not expel the placenta. I know… that is so weird!!! So after bleeding for about 11 days, I think that all the pregnancy particles are out of my body and in a couple months I am free to start again!
On top of all of this fun, my husband and I decided we want to build a new home. Our home is wonderful and I love it and I love living close to my parents, but we need a fresh start. Somewhere without all the bad memories that keep haunting me… like every single day.
And if that were not enough, I am trying to get myself promoted at my job in order to have a better schedule, a better pay and a better job.
This blog is going to document The Life Changes I am making right now and hopefully you want to come along for the ride!
A couple housekeeping things… please do not judge my spelling or grammar. I am not an English major, I was a business and math major and I lurve to make up words… so sorry. I really like to get comments and if you have a question about anything, I will probably answer it for you. I am not shy and it takes a lot to offend me. I am keeping this separate from my other bloglet though because I need a place to discuss these things without our friends saying “T, I am so sorry about all of your life.” That is not what I need, nor what I want from this. I hope if you are reading this, I can help you someway. And lastly, my husband does not read my blog nor does he want to hear about it, so don’t mention it to him. He just gets in a bitchy mood. I guess that about covers everything. I will be back sometime soon to keep you updated on life, love and the pursuit of happiness!
I have been typing in word everything that has happened so that I could remember and then… I was going to post it all on my Wordpress site… it turns out that some really bad stuff happened, and I do not really want to share it with all our friends, but I DO need to talk about it. So, without further adieu, here is “The Story of My Life”.
I am a twenty-something lady who lives in small town, western Pennsylvania. I have a wonderful husband whom I have had marital bliss for the past 4 ½ years and I could not have asked for a better man. I have a beautiful little baby girl who is in heaven and has been there for the past 18 months. She was 12 ½ weeks old when she passed away.
It was not a surprise that she was going to pass… She was very sick. I went to great detail on my other blog of her story but for brevity, I am going to say that while I was pregnant with her, I needed a surgery. It was supposed to be a very simple surgery and in the end… it turned out very badly. My daughter was without blood and oxygen for too long and it damaged her brain so much that she was born with essentially a brain stem. Not something that can be fixed. You can not grow a new brain, you can not have a brain transplant and you can not exist with only a brainstem.
After several very hard days at the hospital, we decided to bring our little angel home with us and to treat her like a normal baby girl. He was supposed to live for about 7-10 days according to the “experts”; however, she was a fighter and liked her mommy and daddy and ended up living for 12 ½ weeks. She was a beautiful gift from God and we enjoyed every moment we had with her.
While I was pregnant and because of the surgery I had, I also got very sick. I developed cardiomyopathy (heart failure for those of us who are not doctors) and I needed to get my heart function back. It took some time and some doctor switching… and a lot of research on my part, but in about a year and 3 months I finally found a doctor who would listen to ME about my problems and take MY recommendations about how to fix me. I was on a lot of medicines, always tired and sick a lot. After I found Dr. Electricity as I like to call him, I immediately got my heart function back and was cured. Within 3 months I was off all my medicines and was on the road to have another baby!
This is where the story gets even better. We started to have unprotected sex… yes, that is how you have a baby… and soon enough, I was showing all the signs of pregnancy. I was feeling nauseous, by chesticles were growing at an alarming rate, I was more tired that I had been and I was gaining some weight. So, I bit the bullet and peed on a stick. Well, low and behold, I was pregnant again! I am proud to say my husband has some big time swimmers and they really know how to find that egg. I had to make some appointments and it was about a week until my appointments and I was so excited… and I started to bleed.
I went to my doctor who told me my uterus “felt” pregnant, but he wasn’t sure. I needed a blood test. I had my blood test and he said I was not pregnant anymore. Ok, it was a ricelet as I like to call it and I didn’t feel a huge loss. I would rather that happen than what happened with the last pregnancy. So in the next week I thought I miscarried all that was in there.
The next month (about 35 days later) when I expected my “dot” (do you like that, instead of period, I like to say dot) it never came. I told my husband “maybe I didn’t miscarry” and so I peed on another stick. Needless to say we go through a lot of sticks at our house lately. The test said pregnant! Hmmm…. What was that that happened last month? So I called the Doctor again, who by this time probably thought I was pretty obsessed, and told him what was happening. He sent me for more bloodwork and low and behold, I was pregnant. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday (and this was Friday) and so I just said I would get an ultrasound then.
Saturday evening I began to bleed again. WTF is happening!?! Am I pregnant or not? So I went to the ultrasound and I have done enough reading and research that I know what a baby should look like on a sonogram. I saw the sac that should have had a baby inside it. The sac was empty though. There was no baby and the sac was malformed. It turns out that my body thought I was still pregnant from the miscarriage the month before and did not expel the placenta. I know… that is so weird!!! So after bleeding for about 11 days, I think that all the pregnancy particles are out of my body and in a couple months I am free to start again!
On top of all of this fun, my husband and I decided we want to build a new home. Our home is wonderful and I love it and I love living close to my parents, but we need a fresh start. Somewhere without all the bad memories that keep haunting me… like every single day.
And if that were not enough, I am trying to get myself promoted at my job in order to have a better schedule, a better pay and a better job.
This blog is going to document The Life Changes I am making right now and hopefully you want to come along for the ride!
A couple housekeeping things… please do not judge my spelling or grammar. I am not an English major, I was a business and math major and I lurve to make up words… so sorry. I really like to get comments and if you have a question about anything, I will probably answer it for you. I am not shy and it takes a lot to offend me. I am keeping this separate from my other bloglet though because I need a place to discuss these things without our friends saying “T, I am so sorry about all of your life.” That is not what I need, nor what I want from this. I hope if you are reading this, I can help you someway. And lastly, my husband does not read my blog nor does he want to hear about it, so don’t mention it to him. He just gets in a bitchy mood. I guess that about covers everything. I will be back sometime soon to keep you updated on life, love and the pursuit of happiness!
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