Monday, March 15, 2010

The Weekends Are Too Short : (

WOW! This weekend was fantastical, but too short. Friday night we went to the Home Show to see if we could get any ideas for our new home, and guess what? I did get some ideas. YAY!

We had plans Saturday to Max and Relax all day, but those plans never pan out and we ended up going on a date! My husband took me to a really nice local theater and we watched “She’s Outta My League” which was filmed in Pittsburgh. That movie was totally hilarious! I laughed and laughed and laughed as well as my husband – who never shows emotion during movies. It really showcased Pittsburgh. The airport, the South Side, Penn Avenue, North Shore, PNC Park, Mellon Arena, the Warhol Museum… it really made Pittsburgh look good. Definitely go see that movie. It was totally worth the hour and 45 minutes we sat in the theater.

Sunday was a clean and bake day. I did a ton of laundry as well as baked 100 million oatmeal cookies and a birthday cake for Traci. I worked out and then played an obscene amount of wii with Teri. We had a birthday party for Traci and relaxed the rest of the evening.

I know everyone is curious about the MEAT auction… Well, I didn’t purchase any MEAT. They had entire cows for sale. I could not possibly do anything with that much MEAT, so I stuck with some Frozen Mac and Cheesus, brown sugar, frozen veggies and giant sized oatmeal (hence the million oatmeal cookies I made). We had a really good time Thursday night at the club and they have excellent chicken wings as well as fabulous chicken salads. YUM, I can not wait to go back for dinner!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

3 Fun Things!

Dear Friends… Today is an awesome day! The following awesomeness is going to happen:

1. My bank is purchasing us a delicious meal!
2. I get to go to the dentist!
3. TONIGHT! One Night Only! MEAT AUCTION!!!

So let me elaborate. The bank that I work at has been named the “Most Awesome Business in Armstrong County! We won an award and there was a nice article in the paper about the bank. You all know how much I lurve my job and how fun it is. I am glad the customers feel the same way to make us the most Awesome. So in Honor of Us employees, the bank is giving us a celebration lunch! So Much Fun!

I know, I know! We get food all the time while we are at work… but this is special food and I am pretty excited about it. I always look forward to the days that we are fed by the bank. That in itself was reason enough to wake up today!

I am probably one of the only people who actually LOVE to go to the dentist. I like to have my teeth cleaned and look all shiny and sparkly. I love to have a beautiful smile! Not to toot my own horn, but I think I have a pretty nice smile and I like to keep it that way.

Ok, ok, I know you are all wondering about a Meat Auction! I think it is the best thing EVER! This is simply what it is… My husband is a member of the Country Club and they have a kitchen in it. Well, the people who were running the kitchen were kind of dumb and were not making any money. So…. The members got together and fired the staff and will rehire someone new in the next couple months, but until then, they have all this MEAT and other food in the freezer. In order for it not to go to waste, they are selling it to the members in an auction style auction.

Of course, when I heard about this MEAT Auction, I HAD to be in on it, so we are going to make the trip tonight to the club and participate in this MEAT Auction. I am totally pumped about this little affair! I just want to buy a big old slab of MEAT. I know, I am a 17 year old immature little girl… I can not help it. I just find MEAT to be such a funny word.

In other news, TRACI READ A BOOK!!! It was amazing. I gave her Dear John and told her she had to read it. A couple days later I sent her a text and she did not answer, so I called her. She answered my question and then she said “I have a confession to make, I am reading Dear John” and I laughed my rear off. She read that book in 1 evening and 1 day. I was totally impressed. Kudos, Traci. Now I want to read The Last Song, so I told her to go to Walmarts and purchase it for $5.97. I am not allowed to purchase more books for a while now, but she is and I can borrow them. I hope she goes and gets it to read. I want to see that movie. I do lurve Miley Cyrus.

w00t! there it is!

I can NOT wait to have a good day!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Trying To Climb Out Of The Darkness

OK… I hope I am climbing out of my dark dreary place and back into my sunshine filled life. The past couple days have been very emotional for me and I have not been able to handle them. I have cried pretty much all day for the past 2 days and I will not, I repeat WILL NOT cry today! Um… I already broke that, but going forward, I will not cry today.

I am dealing with a lot of emotions and some days are better than others for me. As you know, my daughter passed away on October 3, 2008 and that is 17 months ago! I would have thought as time went on, things would get easier, but they really have not. I have just refocused my energies.

For so long I was totally focused on coming out of Cardiomyopathy that I didn’t really think about a lot of other stuff. I thought about Kendall and how I missed her, but it was not a constant thought on my brain. The constant thought was “How am I going to make myself better?” and “How am I going to get a stronger heart?” and “What do I have to do to be allowed to have another child?” You know, things like that. I was so focused… and after I recovered, I was so focused on getting off my medicines… I was getting off my medicines so that I could have another baby. All I have wanted in my life is to be a mother. It is so difficult to have all these plans and have them ripped away from you. So, we tried and so quickly I became pregnant. YAY! Something good to focus on! A new baby that is growing inside me… Until I miscarried.

You know, that was pretty terrible, but I kept it all in because I did not want the pity or sympathy or any other feelings of “I don’t know what to say to them” when I see my friends. So, we didn’t tell a lot of people and just dealt with this horrible setback privately.

Now that I am 1 month out from the miscarriage, I have all this anxiety and stress about next time. I do not want to have another miscarriage when we actually do try to have another baby (which will not be until June) and I just want to relax… But I can not. I obviously can not control my life and need to just chill, but I really need something that I can control. When June does roll around, I need to be STRESS FREE and relaxed… I also need to not obsess on what has happened to me. I am obsessed with it all though.

After much discussion, and looking and researching, my husband and I have decided we are going to build a new home. I am really, really excited about this business and I am looking forward to looking forward to something. I know at the end of the journey… We will have a NEW home. We will have the home that I want we want and will hopefully be building NEW memories in that home.

We have not put our home up for sale yet, but in the next couple months we will be cleaning it out (you know, cleaning out our closets), having a few garage sales and hopefully moving on. In the interim, once our home sells, we will be living in an apartment – which I am surprisingly very excited about! – while our new home is being built.

I will be taking you all along for this ride with me as our life dramatically changes – and I really think that is what we are in need of. CHANGE!

I really miss my old self.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I Can Not Control Everything

I am having a very, very, VERY hard time lately. Ever since my miscarriage that partially happened in January and then finished up in February, I have been feeling extra sad. I know that most of the time, when you talk to me, I do not seem that bad, but really and truly, I am not doing well. I cry almost every single day. I just do not understand how this is my life. I hate having my life on hold and wondering what bad is going to happen next.

Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.

I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.

I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.

We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.

I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!

I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sunshine Has Been Fantastico

Did you all have a fine weekend? I know I sure did. My husband and I got a TON of work done around the house. We started in the cereal cabinet and made it around our entire kitchen cleaning out the cabinets. After I rearranged, combined and threw out old, our cupboards are very bare. Its ok though. We don’t need a whole lot of extra stuff. I loved opening the one cabinet and it didn’t have anything in it. I laughed for a while!

We visited with some friends, my in-laws, my parents and even had time to exercise! It was a great weekend. The best part was that the sun was shining the entire time!!!
Tomorrow morning is my official “weigh-in” and I think I am doing really well. I have done my Shredder for 6 days in a row now! Today will make a week of shredder. I even got up early on Friday morning in order to do it before work. I am going to have to do that more often, because it really helps in the evening plans. I know that Saturday and Sunday I did not want to exercise. I just wanted to chillax after we worked in our house. I forced myself to go to the basement and bust a move. It was totally worth it too because it didn’t take too long, I really sweat it out and I felt so much better about myself.

I did enough laundry to choke a cow over the weekend and guess what! I even put it all away!!! I never do that. I usually let it sit in the basket for a week and then put it away. I don’t know what got into me over the weekend except that the sun was shining and I even had my bedroom window open!

This should be a quick week. I have doctors appointments, trainings, special lunch dates… you know all kinds of awesome work stuff to fill the week and then BOOM! It will be the weekend again and time for max and relaxin.

The awesome St. Pattys Day Parade will be Saturday, so that should be fun! Last year my sisters and I went while my husband golfed. I wonder if he will be able to golf this Saturday. It seems to me there is still a foot of snow packed in our yard. I hope he can!

Friday, March 5, 2010


Wow! Is it already Friday?!? This week flew by and I never got a chance to catch my breath it seems.

Last night on The Office, Jim and Pam had a baby. I had said earlier in the day that if it was half as good as when they got married, I could die happy. Well, it lived up to the funniness and now, I can die happy.

My favorite parts were when the Lactation Consultant came in to see Pam… and it was a man. I don’t know if you all remember but, I too had a male Lactation Consultant. His name was BOB and I was quick to name him Bob the Boobman. See, I am actually a child trapped in a 27 year olds body and I am not quite mature yet. When my man Bob put that breast pump on himself, even my husband (mister maturity) was laughing. So, that really was amusing that it was on tv. I just want everyone to know, Bob did look at my boobs, but never touched them. Hahahah!!!

I also loved when they picked up the wrong baby and Pam breast fed it. It was hilarity!!!

Last night I shredded and treaded. It was a good time! I was sufficiently sweaty and I felt so good after I worked out. I wanted to wake up this morning to do day 4 of shredder because we are busy tonight. Guess what! I can not wake up with my alarm like EVER, but today… I was up at 5:30 am with my alarm and went to the basement and shredded! Awesome Job Toni! You’re the bomb! (I have to keep telling myself that!)

I even had time to make myself a scrambled egg and milk and OJ Simpson for breakfast. Im gonna have to look into this getting up early thing more often because… it is quite nice to not be rushed.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Exercising Maniac!

So, today is Thursday… It is day 4 of my diet! I am so far doing famously! My husband took a look at my list of foods that I ate and I asked where I could improve. He said he couldn’t really see anything except for that I don’t write down when I eat little Hershey Nuggets and things like that… Um… yes I do, look closer dear husband. I have just been really watching what I eat this week and avoiding the little chocolate monster. I think I may be able to do this!

Last night as soon as I got home from work, I did day 2 of Shredder! It was so very hard and was killing me, but I pulled through. We then had some chicken breast and rice for dinner. It was deliciousness on a plate. I lurve to eat lemon pepper chicken that is burnt! It was so good. I squirt some extra lemon juice in the pan to cook it. Last night my husband was in charge of the chicken cooking. I made the rice. I simply put it in the pan, walked away until it boiled and then once it was boiled, I came back did a little stir and simmered until the chicken was done. I gave him the option of what he wanted to do… he chose chicken – LUCKY ME!

After dinner we chatted about some stuff and I decided I was not done exercising, so I went back to the basement and treaded it for 35 minutes. I was soaked with sweat… Does anyone else sweat uncontrollably? I am not sure what’s up with that, but it seems I may be a man. I decided to stretch for a while and man oh man, I had drips on my pants of sweat coming off me! It was insanity… Sorry that is kind of gross.

Yesterday a woman I work with told me her daughter is expecting TWINS!!! That is really cool. I think it would be pretty stressful to have twins. She is having boys… and she has a little boy who is almost 2 at home… that is going to be a fun house! Maybe someday I will get pregnant again and maybe I will have twins… OMG, I would die! But, needless to say, I am very happy for my coworker and her family.