OK… I hope I am climbing out of my dark dreary place and back into my sunshine filled life. The past couple days have been very emotional for me and I have not been able to handle them. I have cried pretty much all day for the past 2 days and I will not, I repeat WILL NOT cry today! Um… I already broke that, but going forward, I will not cry today.
I am dealing with a lot of emotions and some days are better than others for me. As you know, my daughter passed away on October 3, 2008 and that is 17 months ago! I would have thought as time went on, things would get easier, but they really have not. I have just refocused my energies.
For so long I was totally focused on coming out of Cardiomyopathy that I didn’t really think about a lot of other stuff. I thought about Kendall and how I missed her, but it was not a constant thought on my brain. The constant thought was “How am I going to make myself better?” and “How am I going to get a stronger heart?” and “What do I have to do to be allowed to have another child?” You know, things like that. I was so focused… and after I recovered, I was so focused on getting off my medicines… I was getting off my medicines so that I could have another baby. All I have wanted in my life is to be a mother. It is so difficult to have all these plans and have them ripped away from you. So, we tried and so quickly I became pregnant. YAY! Something good to focus on! A new baby that is growing inside me… Until I miscarried.
You know, that was pretty terrible, but I kept it all in because I did not want the pity or sympathy or any other feelings of “I don’t know what to say to them” when I see my friends. So, we didn’t tell a lot of people and just dealt with this horrible setback privately.
Now that I am 1 month out from the miscarriage, I have all this anxiety and stress about next time. I do not want to have another miscarriage when we actually do try to have another baby (which will not be until June) and I just want to relax… But I can not. I obviously can not control my life and need to just chill, but I really need something that I can control. When June does roll around, I need to be STRESS FREE and relaxed… I also need to not obsess on what has happened to me. I am obsessed with it all though.
After much discussion, and looking and researching, my husband and I have decided we are going to build a new home. I am really, really excited about this business and I am looking forward to looking forward to something. I know at the end of the journey… We will have a NEW home. We will have the home that I want we want and will hopefully be building NEW memories in that home.
We have not put our home up for sale yet, but in the next couple months we will be cleaning it out (you know, cleaning out our closets), having a few garage sales and hopefully moving on. In the interim, once our home sells, we will be living in an apartment – which I am surprisingly very excited about! – while our new home is being built.
I will be taking you all along for this ride with me as our life dramatically changes – and I really think that is what we are in need of. CHANGE!
I really miss my old self.
Showing posts with label child loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child loss. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I Can Not Control Everything
I am having a very, very, VERY hard time lately. Ever since my miscarriage that partially happened in January and then finished up in February, I have been feeling extra sad. I know that most of the time, when you talk to me, I do not seem that bad, but really and truly, I am not doing well. I cry almost every single day. I just do not understand how this is my life. I hate having my life on hold and wondering what bad is going to happen next.
Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.
I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.
I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.
We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.
I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!
I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.
Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.
I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.
I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.
We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.
I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!
I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Decisions, Decisions
My life is strange. One minute I am content and the next minute my mind is racing onto what I can do to make my life better. Recently, I have been doing a lot, A LOT of thinking about the future. It is no secret that I am kind of tired of my current joblet. I mean, I have been doing it for 7 years!!! Eventually, you want to improve yourself or make your life a little different.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I hate my job. That is so far away from what I actually feel. I lurve my job and I will continue to do it as long as I need to, but the thing is, I am getting bored. I need some excitement and I don’t mean getting locked in the bathroom again ;) .
I have already set in motion some opportunities at my current job and I am talking to the right people to make it happen. It is mostly a waiting game right now. I rarely talk about my future professional plans on here because I do not want people to hold them against me… But, I am struggling with a decision right now.
7 years ago I graduated from IUP with a BS (bull shit? or is it Bachelors of Science?) in Finance and a Minor in Accounting. I have always said that the finance degree helped me with my life; however, the accounting degree is what got me my job to begin with. When I started my professional life, I was very lucky that I had those accounting credits and was eligible to get the job I got so many years ago. Today, I have moved up and to another company, but I am essentially in the same job.
I am seriously thinking about going back to IUPizzle for a few more classes. I am unsure of what to do though. I am going to talk to the one professor that I lurved and I will see what she has to say about all this. I only need 5 (or 4) classes to get a double BS in Finance and Accounting. The thing is, I am not sure whether I would be going back to be a “Graduate Student” because I am already degreed or am I a “Super Undergraduate”? Also, should I go get the Accounting, or should I go to get my MBA? I know an MBA is a big commitment and I wanted to go to PITT to get that if I ever did do it. I think what I am going to do is take 1 class in September and see what happens and how that goes.
I have a theory about college. It is a bunch of BS… See when you are 17 and 18 years old, you have no idea what you want to do with your life! At 27… I am totally different than I was at 17. I have lived a strange life and it has very much changed my outlook on things. If I were in college now, it would be so different. I would totally pay more attention and I would “GET IT”! When I was there, I was just focused on graduating and getting on with my life. Now I am actually interested in what the Professors have to say! With that all being said… I am very glad I went to college right out of high school, but it would be very different now as to what I chose as my major and my career.
So… does anyone know anything about going back to school after you have been graduated for 7 years? I need to look a little more into this.
Last night I 30 Day Shredded and my body is killing me today! YIKES! That means I did it right! J I think I’ll weigh myself on Mondays and report to you if I gained or lost anything. Also inches lost on my belly (which is the only place I measured… hahaha). Hopefully I keep this up.
Did anyone catch 16 and Pregnant last night. It is an MTV show that I am addicted to? Well, the girl was 15 years old and she got kicked out of high school (9th grade I believe) and was being home schooled. Her boyfriend was not around (like 2 hours away), much older, and did not have a job. I like to watch these shows… not sure why… but they really upset me at the same time. This girl I think got a big scare when her baby was born enough to make her really take care of the little baby. The baby had possibly inhaled some poo while in-utero and that can be very dangerous. They life flighted the baby to CHOP and in 11 days that little girl was allowed to go home with her mother. The dad didn’t want anything to do with the baby until the health scare either… and I think that is what made these children grow up and actually try to be good parents. That is sad… but at least they know how precious this little baby is now.
I don’t know how these kids can get pregnant so easily, have cute healthy little babies and can not provide for them… But my husband and I could give a baby the world and we have been stripped of this opportunity so far in our life. Kinda upsets me.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I hate my job. That is so far away from what I actually feel. I lurve my job and I will continue to do it as long as I need to, but the thing is, I am getting bored. I need some excitement and I don’t mean getting locked in the bathroom again ;) .
I have already set in motion some opportunities at my current job and I am talking to the right people to make it happen. It is mostly a waiting game right now. I rarely talk about my future professional plans on here because I do not want people to hold them against me… But, I am struggling with a decision right now.
7 years ago I graduated from IUP with a BS (bull shit? or is it Bachelors of Science?) in Finance and a Minor in Accounting. I have always said that the finance degree helped me with my life; however, the accounting degree is what got me my job to begin with. When I started my professional life, I was very lucky that I had those accounting credits and was eligible to get the job I got so many years ago. Today, I have moved up and to another company, but I am essentially in the same job.
I am seriously thinking about going back to IUPizzle for a few more classes. I am unsure of what to do though. I am going to talk to the one professor that I lurved and I will see what she has to say about all this. I only need 5 (or 4) classes to get a double BS in Finance and Accounting. The thing is, I am not sure whether I would be going back to be a “Graduate Student” because I am already degreed or am I a “Super Undergraduate”? Also, should I go get the Accounting, or should I go to get my MBA? I know an MBA is a big commitment and I wanted to go to PITT to get that if I ever did do it. I think what I am going to do is take 1 class in September and see what happens and how that goes.
I have a theory about college. It is a bunch of BS… See when you are 17 and 18 years old, you have no idea what you want to do with your life! At 27… I am totally different than I was at 17. I have lived a strange life and it has very much changed my outlook on things. If I were in college now, it would be so different. I would totally pay more attention and I would “GET IT”! When I was there, I was just focused on graduating and getting on with my life. Now I am actually interested in what the Professors have to say! With that all being said… I am very glad I went to college right out of high school, but it would be very different now as to what I chose as my major and my career.
So… does anyone know anything about going back to school after you have been graduated for 7 years? I need to look a little more into this.
Last night I 30 Day Shredded and my body is killing me today! YIKES! That means I did it right! J I think I’ll weigh myself on Mondays and report to you if I gained or lost anything. Also inches lost on my belly (which is the only place I measured… hahaha). Hopefully I keep this up.
Did anyone catch 16 and Pregnant last night. It is an MTV show that I am addicted to? Well, the girl was 15 years old and she got kicked out of high school (9th grade I believe) and was being home schooled. Her boyfriend was not around (like 2 hours away), much older, and did not have a job. I like to watch these shows… not sure why… but they really upset me at the same time. This girl I think got a big scare when her baby was born enough to make her really take care of the little baby. The baby had possibly inhaled some poo while in-utero and that can be very dangerous. They life flighted the baby to CHOP and in 11 days that little girl was allowed to go home with her mother. The dad didn’t want anything to do with the baby until the health scare either… and I think that is what made these children grow up and actually try to be good parents. That is sad… but at least they know how precious this little baby is now.
I don’t know how these kids can get pregnant so easily, have cute healthy little babies and can not provide for them… But my husband and I could give a baby the world and we have been stripped of this opportunity so far in our life. Kinda upsets me.
Monday, March 1, 2010
A Baby Shower Experiance
This weekend I went to a baby shower for a very good friend of mine. She is expecting a little girl in April after the loss of her first little boy back when Kendall was born. I absolutely knew I wanted to go to the shower. Not only to show Elizabeth how happy I am for her, but to also prove to myself that I am strong enough to move on with my life.
Needless to say it was a very emotional couple hours. I got there and immediately an old teacher I had said “I saw you had a baby a while ago… you look great… what did you have” and I told her about Kendall and how she passed away. It was ok, I get it a lot. I was prepared for that and I am always prepared for that. People don’t know what happened and I get that. I would probably ask myself how old she was and stuff too if I met myself on the street.
Crying crisis adverted. Then, another good friend from high school was at the shower. She lost not one, but two late term babies and finally had a beautiful little girl in December. This little girl is so beautiful, and all the photos I see on Facebook show me she is just PERFECT! Well, Amanda walked in and I was so happy to see she was there. I figured she would be there, but I was not sure. She sat down and I was so excited to see the little angel that I immediately wanted to touch her and play with her. Mandy asked me how I was… and then the tears started to flow.
Holy crap… I hate being emotional and I hate crying in public. I tried so hard to hold back the tears, but I have been having an emotional couple months. EVERYONE knows we are trying to get pregnant again, so of course everyone asks how that is going. Not everyone knows I had a miscarriage last month and we are on hold for a few more months… On hold for a few more months… It seems my life is always “on hold”.
Mandy let me hold Mia and we played until it was time for her to eat. She was the cutest little bean I have ever seen (other than Kendall of course) and it was so fun to hold another little baby girl. A special little baby girl. I miracle in fact. I could feel all this special baby energy flowing from Mia to me and it was every emotional.
When Elizabeth finally got there (and we have been going through some pretty bad stuff together but have not seen each other for quite some time) we had to hug. When we hugged I was so happy for her to be having a healthy little baby girl that again the tears were a flowin. It was such an emotional time and I can not describe it other than the fact that the happiness I had for her was true and genuine and I can imagine how scared she is… and I have a longing to be in the same situation.
I made it through the shower and I didn’t have too much of a hard time, except when I thought about this little fact. When I was pregnant in 2007-2008, I had 33 friends (ladies I personally know and talk to on a somewhat regular basis) who were also pregnant. Of those 33 ladies, 11 of them do not have their babies today. 11 of the babies either were miscarried early on, were stillborn or for Elizabeth and Myself, they were born very sick and passed away at a very early age. Now, those 11 ladies are all mothers of beautiful little babies. I am the only one who is not even pregnant to enjoy this journey. It is kind of hard to think about.
I know that I would have been a mother by now too if I was healthy… and I was definitely not healthy. Now that my heart is all strong and beating at a “normal” rhythm, I know I will be a mother soon. But how long am I supposed to wait to be happy?
Not that I am not happy… I am very happy, I love life and I am so blessed… but why do bad things happen to supposed “good” people? I guess God has “special” people he picks out for these bad things to happen to. They are people who can handle it I guess. I am not sure how much more I can handle tough. I guess as much as God gives me.
In other news, this weekend we got the movie Couples Retreat from my sister… OMG it was terrible. It was long, boring and only funny in a couple spots. I am unsure why I wasted so much time watching it. My husband quit watching it and went to the other room and watched golf. I could have been reading.
Needless to say it was a very emotional couple hours. I got there and immediately an old teacher I had said “I saw you had a baby a while ago… you look great… what did you have” and I told her about Kendall and how she passed away. It was ok, I get it a lot. I was prepared for that and I am always prepared for that. People don’t know what happened and I get that. I would probably ask myself how old she was and stuff too if I met myself on the street.
Crying crisis adverted. Then, another good friend from high school was at the shower. She lost not one, but two late term babies and finally had a beautiful little girl in December. This little girl is so beautiful, and all the photos I see on Facebook show me she is just PERFECT! Well, Amanda walked in and I was so happy to see she was there. I figured she would be there, but I was not sure. She sat down and I was so excited to see the little angel that I immediately wanted to touch her and play with her. Mandy asked me how I was… and then the tears started to flow.
Holy crap… I hate being emotional and I hate crying in public. I tried so hard to hold back the tears, but I have been having an emotional couple months. EVERYONE knows we are trying to get pregnant again, so of course everyone asks how that is going. Not everyone knows I had a miscarriage last month and we are on hold for a few more months… On hold for a few more months… It seems my life is always “on hold”.
Mandy let me hold Mia and we played until it was time for her to eat. She was the cutest little bean I have ever seen (other than Kendall of course) and it was so fun to hold another little baby girl. A special little baby girl. I miracle in fact. I could feel all this special baby energy flowing from Mia to me and it was every emotional.
When Elizabeth finally got there (and we have been going through some pretty bad stuff together but have not seen each other for quite some time) we had to hug. When we hugged I was so happy for her to be having a healthy little baby girl that again the tears were a flowin. It was such an emotional time and I can not describe it other than the fact that the happiness I had for her was true and genuine and I can imagine how scared she is… and I have a longing to be in the same situation.
I made it through the shower and I didn’t have too much of a hard time, except when I thought about this little fact. When I was pregnant in 2007-2008, I had 33 friends (ladies I personally know and talk to on a somewhat regular basis) who were also pregnant. Of those 33 ladies, 11 of them do not have their babies today. 11 of the babies either were miscarried early on, were stillborn or for Elizabeth and Myself, they were born very sick and passed away at a very early age. Now, those 11 ladies are all mothers of beautiful little babies. I am the only one who is not even pregnant to enjoy this journey. It is kind of hard to think about.
I know that I would have been a mother by now too if I was healthy… and I was definitely not healthy. Now that my heart is all strong and beating at a “normal” rhythm, I know I will be a mother soon. But how long am I supposed to wait to be happy?
Not that I am not happy… I am very happy, I love life and I am so blessed… but why do bad things happen to supposed “good” people? I guess God has “special” people he picks out for these bad things to happen to. They are people who can handle it I guess. I am not sure how much more I can handle tough. I guess as much as God gives me.
In other news, this weekend we got the movie Couples Retreat from my sister… OMG it was terrible. It was long, boring and only funny in a couple spots. I am unsure why I wasted so much time watching it. My husband quit watching it and went to the other room and watched golf. I could have been reading.
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