This weekend I went to a baby shower for a very good friend of mine. She is expecting a little girl in April after the loss of her first little boy back when Kendall was born. I absolutely knew I wanted to go to the shower. Not only to show Elizabeth how happy I am for her, but to also prove to myself that I am strong enough to move on with my life.
Needless to say it was a very emotional couple hours. I got there and immediately an old teacher I had said “I saw you had a baby a while ago… you look great… what did you have” and I told her about Kendall and how she passed away. It was ok, I get it a lot. I was prepared for that and I am always prepared for that. People don’t know what happened and I get that. I would probably ask myself how old she was and stuff too if I met myself on the street.
Crying crisis adverted. Then, another good friend from high school was at the shower. She lost not one, but two late term babies and finally had a beautiful little girl in December. This little girl is so beautiful, and all the photos I see on Facebook show me she is just PERFECT! Well, Amanda walked in and I was so happy to see she was there. I figured she would be there, but I was not sure. She sat down and I was so excited to see the little angel that I immediately wanted to touch her and play with her. Mandy asked me how I was… and then the tears started to flow.
Holy crap… I hate being emotional and I hate crying in public. I tried so hard to hold back the tears, but I have been having an emotional couple months. EVERYONE knows we are trying to get pregnant again, so of course everyone asks how that is going. Not everyone knows I had a miscarriage last month and we are on hold for a few more months… On hold for a few more months… It seems my life is always “on hold”.
Mandy let me hold Mia and we played until it was time for her to eat. She was the cutest little bean I have ever seen (other than Kendall of course) and it was so fun to hold another little baby girl. A special little baby girl. I miracle in fact. I could feel all this special baby energy flowing from Mia to me and it was every emotional.
When Elizabeth finally got there (and we have been going through some pretty bad stuff together but have not seen each other for quite some time) we had to hug. When we hugged I was so happy for her to be having a healthy little baby girl that again the tears were a flowin. It was such an emotional time and I can not describe it other than the fact that the happiness I had for her was true and genuine and I can imagine how scared she is… and I have a longing to be in the same situation.
I made it through the shower and I didn’t have too much of a hard time, except when I thought about this little fact. When I was pregnant in 2007-2008, I had 33 friends (ladies I personally know and talk to on a somewhat regular basis) who were also pregnant. Of those 33 ladies, 11 of them do not have their babies today. 11 of the babies either were miscarried early on, were stillborn or for Elizabeth and Myself, they were born very sick and passed away at a very early age. Now, those 11 ladies are all mothers of beautiful little babies. I am the only one who is not even pregnant to enjoy this journey. It is kind of hard to think about.
I know that I would have been a mother by now too if I was healthy… and I was definitely not healthy. Now that my heart is all strong and beating at a “normal” rhythm, I know I will be a mother soon. But how long am I supposed to wait to be happy?
Not that I am not happy… I am very happy, I love life and I am so blessed… but why do bad things happen to supposed “good” people? I guess God has “special” people he picks out for these bad things to happen to. They are people who can handle it I guess. I am not sure how much more I can handle tough. I guess as much as God gives me.
In other news, this weekend we got the movie Couples Retreat from my sister… OMG it was terrible. It was long, boring and only funny in a couple spots. I am unsure why I wasted so much time watching it. My husband quit watching it and went to the other room and watched golf. I could have been reading.