Trying To Climb Out Of The Darkness

OK… I hope I am climbing out of my dark dreary place and back into my sunshine filled life. The past couple days have been very emotional for me and I have not been able to handle them. I have cried pretty much all day for the past 2 days and I will not, I repeat WILL NOT cry today! Um… I already broke that, but going forward, I will not cry today.

I am dealing with a lot of emotions and some days are better than others for me. As you know, my daughter passed away on October 3, 2008 and that is 17 months ago! I would have thought as time went on, things would get easier, but they really have not. I have just refocused my energies.

For so long I was totally focused on coming out of Cardiomyopathy that I didn’t really think about a lot of other stuff. I thought about Kendall and how I missed her, but it was not a constant thought on my brain. The constant thought was “How am I going to make myself better?” and “How am I going to get a stronger heart?” and “What do I have to do to be allowed to have another child?” You know, things like that. I was so focused… and after I recovered, I was so focused on getting off my medicines… I was getting off my medicines so that I could have another baby. All I have wanted in my life is to be a mother. It is so difficult to have all these plans and have them ripped away from you. So, we tried and so quickly I became pregnant. YAY! Something good to focus on! A new baby that is growing inside me… Until I miscarried.

You know, that was pretty terrible, but I kept it all in because I did not want the pity or sympathy or any other feelings of “I don’t know what to say to them” when I see my friends. So, we didn’t tell a lot of people and just dealt with this horrible setback privately.

Now that I am 1 month out from the miscarriage, I have all this anxiety and stress about next time. I do not want to have another miscarriage when we actually do try to have another baby (which will not be until June) and I just want to relax… But I can not. I obviously can not control my life and need to just chill, but I really need something that I can control. When June does roll around, I need to be STRESS FREE and relaxed… I also need to not obsess on what has happened to me. I am obsessed with it all though.

After much discussion, and looking and researching, my husband and I have decided we are going to build a new home. I am really, really excited about this business and I am looking forward to looking forward to something. I know at the end of the journey… We will have a NEW home. We will have the home that I want we want and will hopefully be building NEW memories in that home.

We have not put our home up for sale yet, but in the next couple months we will be cleaning it out (you know, cleaning out our closets), having a few garage sales and hopefully moving on. In the interim, once our home sells, we will be living in an apartment – which I am surprisingly very excited about! – while our new home is being built.

I will be taking you all along for this ride with me as our life dramatically changes – and I really think that is what we are in need of. CHANGE!

I really miss my old self.

I Can Not Control Everything

I am having a very, very, VERY hard time lately. Ever since my miscarriage that partially happened in January and then finished up in February, I have been feeling extra sad. I know that most of the time, when you talk to me, I do not seem that bad, but really and truly, I am not doing well. I cry almost every single day. I just do not understand how this is my life. I hate having my life on hold and wondering what bad is going to happen next.

Yesterday I went to Dr. Heart. He is my favorite doctor in the world, and I am sure I am his favorite patient. When I was pregnant, I was in his office once or twice a week… then I went about once a month after I had my daughter… now that I am recovered I go every 3 months. There is always something new when I go there. So anywho… yesterday I went and my weight was 4 lbs down! HOLLA! And my blood pressure was great; he said that my EKG looked EXCELLENT!!! And was better than it was pre-pacemaker, so that is fabulous!!! The only thing wrong was that I have some nodules on my Thyroid… both sides. He told me that I should not be alarmed, because women who have recently been pregnant have thyroid problems. They get nodules or enlarged thyroids and it isn’t bad… but he isn’t sure that is what is happening.

I also have to have my Cholesterol, Triglycerides, Blood Sugar and all that fun stuff tested to make sure I am a healthy little lady. I think I am, but I guess I’ll find out next week.

I did not get to do my Shredder last night, but I did go for a walk at lunch time and a walk after work. I was just too busy last night. We went to my parents’ house and told them about our plan to sell our home. Needless to say, they were upset and do not want us to move away. I understand and I don’t totally want to change my life, but the house where I am living is not where I want to be. I can not live there anymore and I need a change.

We are going to be moving about 30 minutes away from where we live now and that will add an extra 15 minutes onto my commute each way, but it will be worth it because we are going to be building a BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME. I have so many ideas and thoughts of how I want my home to look and what I want in it… I can not wait! We are going to be listing our home in late April, early May and then we will see how long it takes to sell. Once it sells, we will live in an apartment until our home is built. It will not be until probably Christmas 2011 that we will be moved in (which is ok). Building a home is a long process and we I am excited to start something that will distract me from my life.

I also hope to get pregnant… AGAIN this summer. June, July, August, or September would be good months to get pregnant. I am on hold right not due to the miscarriage last month until May, so the earliest we will have a new baby will be next March… a year from now! So hopefully that will be a good distraction as well. I am not sure if when I have another child if I will be happy then, but it is worth a try!

I am really having a difficult time and no one really knows how I feel. I see ALL of my friend have another baby after miscarriage or loss and I just have another miscarriage. Another loss for me. I am not sure why this is my life or why these things happen. I can not plan into the future, but hopefully I can plan on this new house. That is something that I can CONTROL! Unlike my health and job. My husband and I work hard and we have been patient to get what we want. Hopefully everything works out.