Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Trying To Climb Out Of The Darkness

OK… I hope I am climbing out of my dark dreary place and back into my sunshine filled life. The past couple days have been very emotional for me and I have not been able to handle them. I have cried pretty much all day for the past 2 days and I will not, I repeat WILL NOT cry today! Um… I already broke that, but going forward, I will not cry today.

I am dealing with a lot of emotions and some days are better than others for me. As you know, my daughter passed away on October 3, 2008 and that is 17 months ago! I would have thought as time went on, things would get easier, but they really have not. I have just refocused my energies.

For so long I was totally focused on coming out of Cardiomyopathy that I didn’t really think about a lot of other stuff. I thought about Kendall and how I missed her, but it was not a constant thought on my brain. The constant thought was “How am I going to make myself better?” and “How am I going to get a stronger heart?” and “What do I have to do to be allowed to have another child?” You know, things like that. I was so focused… and after I recovered, I was so focused on getting off my medicines… I was getting off my medicines so that I could have another baby. All I have wanted in my life is to be a mother. It is so difficult to have all these plans and have them ripped away from you. So, we tried and so quickly I became pregnant. YAY! Something good to focus on! A new baby that is growing inside me… Until I miscarried.

You know, that was pretty terrible, but I kept it all in because I did not want the pity or sympathy or any other feelings of “I don’t know what to say to them” when I see my friends. So, we didn’t tell a lot of people and just dealt with this horrible setback privately.

Now that I am 1 month out from the miscarriage, I have all this anxiety and stress about next time. I do not want to have another miscarriage when we actually do try to have another baby (which will not be until June) and I just want to relax… But I can not. I obviously can not control my life and need to just chill, but I really need something that I can control. When June does roll around, I need to be STRESS FREE and relaxed… I also need to not obsess on what has happened to me. I am obsessed with it all though.

After much discussion, and looking and researching, my husband and I have decided we are going to build a new home. I am really, really excited about this business and I am looking forward to looking forward to something. I know at the end of the journey… We will have a NEW home. We will have the home that I want we want and will hopefully be building NEW memories in that home.

We have not put our home up for sale yet, but in the next couple months we will be cleaning it out (you know, cleaning out our closets), having a few garage sales and hopefully moving on. In the interim, once our home sells, we will be living in an apartment – which I am surprisingly very excited about! – while our new home is being built.

I will be taking you all along for this ride with me as our life dramatically changes – and I really think that is what we are in need of. CHANGE!

I really miss my old self.

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